Erotic Fan Fiction
My friend and comrade Rosalie Gale invited me to co-write some Little House on the Prairie fan fiction with her for an Evening of Unromantic Comedy. We had a lot of fun writing it and in case you didn’t get to see her read it aloud last night (where were you!?), here’s what we came up with:
In doing some research to support our theory that there was an episode of Little House on the Prairie where one of the supporting characters gets raped by a mime (there is!), We stumbled upon some of Michael Landon’s lost notes about the series.
Granted, they weren’t hidden or anything — probably no one every really cared that they existed. We took the time to read them and were stunned by the almost pornographic path the series planned to take. That, and a general lack of interest from the general public were probably the reasons it was cancelled. Either that or Michael Landon died.
Sooooo… some long-lost Little House episodes:
Laura challenges Nellie to a ‘boy milking’ contest. Mrs. Olsen travels to Sleepy Eye wearing only a shitty grin and an elaborate hat.
Caroline nearly cuts off her arm while suffering a religious-masturbatory fugue state. Mrs. Beale puts Willie in the corner, pants-less.
The town is scandalized when a drifter (played by Ed Asner) misunderstands “Sack Race” at the church picnic. Mary tries to explain to Willie what his name is synonymous with. He doesn’t get it.
Mr Edwards drinks a gallon of corn-wine and challenges God (played by Red Buttons) to a literal pissing contest. The blind school raises funds with a cock-fight.
Gossip about a love affair between Reverend Alden and a Canadian goose wreak havoc at Easter. Upset by a perceived injustice, Laura smears the walls of the school house with feces.
A stranger (played by JJ Walker) comes to Walnut Grove with a good work-ethic but a lot of bad touches. Mary buries her new glasses in the sand believing this will cause Laura to go blind instead of her.
Mr. Olsen convinces Mrs. Olsen that all upstanding wealthy citizens have concubines. Carrie has scabies.
After his crops are destroyed by bees, Charles is forced to sell his sperm to a visiting family of gypsies. Doc Baker invents the clitoris.
Laura becomes enraged when she thinks Almonzo is engaged to a 4-year-old bombshell. Charles digs dozens of wells on the country side in the hopes of having “less children.”
Charles and Caroline believe their accidental simultaneous orgasm is a sign from God and leave baby Grace in the forest to atone. Almonzo gets trapped in an outhouse and no one notices.
Charles and Mr. Edwards go looking for Doc Baker to cure Nellie’s head-bonk amnesia, engulfing them in homo-erotic journey of self-discovery about which they never speak again. Almonzo breaks Laura’s shin-bone.
The women of Walnut Grove performs a prairie-version of “The Vagina Monologues” that was reviewed as “before it’s time” in the town newspaper. Despite numerous attempts, with diagrams, Caroline proves unable to help Miss Beattle understand the clitoris.
A group of chronic masturbators are discovered, run out of town, and quarantined, revealing the true origin story of The School for the Blind. Harriet is a man.
Laura is repeatedly disciplined for singing “Your butt, your butt, your butt is on fire.” Over and over. Like a maniac. Until she is forced to admit to her predilection for punishment. Carrie tumbles down a hill for the 3000th time.
